This post is not to offend anyone – it is just a reflection of some of my thoughts. If you would like to give your opinions (even if you disagree), I’d love to hear them!
I usually wonder about the necessity for a woman to change her surname after marriage. In many parts of the world, once a woman is married, she changes her surname to that of her husband’s. Therefore when they are referred to as a couple – it’s always easier to say something like Mr. and Mrs. Obama, or Mr. and Mrs. Brown, or whatever. I wonder where this ‘practice’ came from but I find it quite unimpressive. It completely discredits a woman’s identity, and that is my biggest issue with it.
I can (perhaps try) to understand if a woman does it completely out of her own will, knowing fully well that she also has an option of keeping her own name and is not bound by an age-old practice. Or if she thinks her identity is fully linked with that of her husband’s (gulp!). However, I find it quite disturbing otherwise – especially when we do it in a world where we are calling for equality regardless of gender.
For one, it’s always considered to be a woman’s duty to change her surname. I don’t fully understand the reason why. Does she become a different person after marriage? Does her husband remain the same person? Does it necessarily mean that her ‘maiden’ name no longer remains important for her (I hate the term ‘maiden name’)? Take for instance a woman getting married at 25. If she changes her surname now, does it imply that all those 25 years that she had her family surname are redundant? Of course it’s an entirely different debate altogether that usually a child takes its father’s surname and not the mother’s but I won’t get into that here (that’s a different issue on partriarchy, which I can go on about).
Most women change their surnames because it is the most ‘normal’ thing to do. Becoming Mrs. So and So is always considered so romantic isn’t it? Seems like you’re now one entity – Mr. X and Mrs X. But is it not strange that in a supposedly ‘equal marriage’, the very first legal step is an unequal one, where a woman changes her name to that of the man’s? See how level the playing field is already?
Some women think they change their names out of love for their husbands. But don’t you think a woman is unjustified in saying she loves her husband so much that she is willing to change her surname for him? In that respect, her husband doesn’t love her equally then, because he’s still holding on to his own surname. I think this entire concept of changing surnames has been entirely romanticised and doesn’t hold much weight for any woman in actuality.
Seriously, what good does changing a surname do? No one seems to care about your unmarried identity. No one seems to even think a woman was something else before she was married. I find that sad. Also, it’s not like surname changing makes things easy at all. It is a long legal process and can end up altering many things – not only legal documents and accounts – but also signatures.
If you think that by changing names, a woman actually makes it easier for her future kids to have uncomplicated names, then I wonder why other countries (where women do not change names according to tradition) don’t really seem to have a problem.
Let me not even get into the entire thing about the hyphenation of surnames that seems to be the recent trend now. That can really make names look entirely complicated and seriously hard to remember. And you’re still changing your name in another long legal process.
It’s shocking enough that many women do not even consider keeping their own surnames – the ones they’ve used their whole lives. But what I find even more shocking is why women who don’t change their surnames feel compelled to justify their reasons for not doing so. Most say things like “It was too much paperwork because all my official documents and accounts have my ‘maiden’ name”. Really, should anyone have to justify why they decided not to change the surname they’ve had since birth? It isn’t a law to do so (if it were I’d seriously label this an outright discrimination)! I think I’d like someone to justify WHY they changed their surname to their husband’s last name.
Yes, it seems like a small issue to talk about because we rarely question such things. But after a woman is married, people start referring to her as Mrs. ‘So and So’. By adding a ‘Mrs.’, you’re already assuming that a woman has changed her surname, when she might not have done so. Is that gender discrimination? I think so. I mean men never become anything other than ‘Mr.’ unless they’re knighted (or get a doctorate) or something like that, but that has nothing to do with them getting married even.
For women, the whole world knows their marital status because everyone is so conditioned to thinking that every married woman is a ‘Mrs’. Men don’t have any such problems. They are always Mr. – married or unmarried. If this helps – it’s possible not to be a Mrs. after marriage – seriously.
You might say to me – ‘why are you making such a big fuss about names?’. But the fuss isn’t only about names, it’s about the identity attached to that name. If it’s no big deal, then why don’t the two people in the marriage change names to something completely different? That way they both would have a unique surname and identity that is completely unrelated to their previous family names. Then I would say that’s equality. But then I believe family names are important and bring a distinct identity to every person. That’s why I propagate both husband and wife keeping their own family names. And about their kids – well I think they should have the hyphenated names (from both parents) 
. Wouldn’t it be so great if we could trace a family’s lineage not just from the paternal side, but also from the maternal side just by looking at a person’s name?
When we say two people in a marriage are equal on all levels, let’s mean it. For one, let’s start respecting the other person’s identity before marriage as well (that includes surnames).
I changed my surname to my husband’s name for no particular reason. Seriously. He said that I should keep my original name and it is still on some of my documents. I like the idea of switching identities. Plus, there are already a few writers with my original first and last names, but none with my married name.
Well as long as you’re happy with it
. It is a personal call after all. It’s interesting that you use both names still (with some of your documents still having your name before marriage)
Actually, I wrote a paper on this as an undergrad, when I was debating whether or not to change my name to my husband’s (I married while an undergrad).
I think this is an important issue for women, and more consideration should be given before changing surnames upon marriage.
For me, back in 1993 I considered keeping my original surname, simply because I believed changing it to be adhering to patriarchal rules.
But I also weighed (because I don’t think they are separate issues, really) the notion that my “maiden” name came from my father, and I believed (and still do) that choosing to marry one (male) surname over choosing to keep one (male) surname is still abiding by the same societal rules.
There is a legitimate argument that after 20+ years with your “maiden” name, that’s your identity, but do we REALLY have our own identity before our twenties anyway? I know I am not the same person I was as a teenager, and I think many women don’t find themselves until around the time they are getting ready to marry now anyway.
So with that in mind, I think if women TRULY want to make a stand against these rules of the name game, they should make the effort to choose a new surname based on character and maybe a combination of the first or last names of the favorite women in their lives, and allow their children to also take on that name. Or, instead of a hyphen, ask their husband to share a new surname together (wouldn’t that be amazing!)
In my case, my choice was to take on my husband’s surname, because (a) his surname (Druzgal) was much more appealing than my own, which I hated (Sink); and (b) with no internet yet for searching, I didn’t know how to just make up a new name and hated dealing with bureaucracy so just went the “easy” route.
I now use Marla Sink Druzgal because I outgrew the embarrassment of my “maiden” name and because I love claiming both my own lineage and my connection to my husband through both.
If we had children, I don’t know what we would decide for them. What was traditionally done before paper records were so easy to maintain and store, was that the mother’s “maiden” name was used as all or most of the childrens’ middle names, as a way to allow easy tracing of lines of parentage.
Great post and I wish more women would at least “think about it” before going with the norm.
I think it’s quite an important issue too – important because many women don’t think about it at all. It’s just a given that women change their names upon marriage. But many women, like you pointed out, get married late nowadays, so their identity is already formed.
You did point out about the family name being patriarchal (I touched upon that in the post too – but just briefly). Honestly, I would have liked to use my mother’s name as well (like the Spanish do), but now it would be another legal hassle to do so. It’s also interesting that my maternal grandmother’s ‘maiden name’ is the same as the surname I have from my dad’s family. So if you look at it, I kind of have surnames from both sides (paternal and maternal) unintentionally.
I just don’t understand why it is the women only who change their names. If they change them then men must do the same otherwise it’s not equal. We women must form our own identities. That’s what all this name stuff really gives us – and we end up being someone’s daughter, someone’s wife. Somehow our identities end up lost somewhere.
Maybe a new surname for both spouses could work after marriage. But otherwise, whatever a woman wishes, she should do. Like for instance if I ever wanted to get married, I’d keep my own family name. Many women however do not know they even have that choice unfortunately. They think name changing is something that HAS to happen after they marry. If they want to change it to that of their husband’s willingly, fine, it’s completely their choice. But if it is brought about by the idea that there is no other choice, then that is a problematic situation.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! Much appreciated
I changed my name because I liked his name and it was shorter!! It’s been a wonderful 35 years! My mother never thought I would get married – she cried at my and brothers wedding. She was in a state of constant amazement during mine. Seriously, there are so many traditions and cultural values tied up in names. Everyone much chose. I only hope they chose based on love, not on making a statement.
I meant to add that I had a sister too!
Haha…I’m sure your mum would’ve been really thrilled when you got married
! Congratulations on 35 happy years – that’s great 
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Many people don’t realise that there’s the option of not changing names too (like where I come from). So I think women need to be made aware that they can make a choice, instead of being bound by societal expectations.
I agree! This was an excellent discussion – one that needs to keep on going. Well done!!!
Thanks a lot!
I would change my English surname, as much as I love my current one. That is, unless my future husband had an absolutely terrible surname.
My Chinese surname, however, I would keep, since there is no tradition of changing last names on marriage. I love tradition(s), and each brings a little more to my identity. In a way, changing my surname is honoring my European heritage. Each tradition has its little quirks, and changing my name in no way threatens my identity.
So you have 2 surnames? Is that from both your parents? That’s quite interesting! I also didn’t know that the Chinese do not change their surnames after marriage. I wasn’t sure they did either, but I didn’t know either way
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I feel like a husband and a wife both having the same last name makes them seem more united. I’m all for the husband taking the wife’s name too! Shake things up a bit.
But honestly, my last name is so weird I can’t wait to get married so I can change it
Would be cool if they both changed names. Maybe you should do that with your future husband and make a new trend
I am glad you wrote about this. I am not married, but have already made the decision not to change my name. I like my name, it’s part of who I am. My sister, when she married, now carries both her name and her husband’s name. The great thing about her marriage name issue, is that her husband also carries her surname, as he thought that it wasn’t fair that only she should have to change hers.
Glad you liked the post
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. That’s a very rare case to come across!
Same here – I think my name carries too much of my identity along with it so I wouldn’t dream of changing it. Also, I don’t see why only the girl changes it. But in the case of your sis and her husband, I find that so sweet that he changed his name too! Aww
Been married for almost 9 years and never changed mine, my husband didn’t care either. Being originally Arab, it’s not common that girls change their last names. Oh, I have 3 kids and it never caused us trouble so far
That’s great
. I really like that about Arabs 
. Some people think naming the kids is such an issue (if the spouses keep their own names), but it doesn’t look like it is at all – and you’ve confirmed that 
With due respect to the article and discussion, may be the article could have been more aptly named as “what is in a surname!!!”
Hahah…you make it sound like you were going to say something very offensive
. Of course that would have been a more apt title, but I was trying to use the same phrase Shakespeare used 
In Singapore, it is not necessary to change our surname to our husbands – we keep our “maiden” name :p
At work, married women can choose to be called Ms “maiden surname” or Mrs “X” even though we do not legally change our surname to our spouses’. Some women add their husband’s surname in addition to their own legally for reasons I do not know, for example, Mrs. Tan-Lim (Lim being her father’s surname).
That’s good to hear!
. Hmmmm the hyphenation is also a recent Western concept I think. I’ve seen it a lot in India too
Recently a male friend took on his wife’s surname, which was followed by a lot of gushing, “oooing” and “aweing” on FB, and cheers from the self proclaimed feminists, telling their husbands what a great precedent my friend had set. I for one didn’t understand the fuss. I’m of Indian origin, and I didn’t take my husband’s surname after our marriage, infact I told him early on during our courtship that I won’t be.There were many reasons, but primarily I think my first name and maiden surname sound a lot better together (yes, I’m one of them vain people:)). My husband would probably have liked me to take his family name, because its the protocol in India and it’d give him one less thing to convince his parents about our marriage. But he came around to it. My mother on the other hand took on my father’s surname when they got married. My sister hyphenates both her maiden and married surnames.Both my parents and sister/brother in law share a great power equation as a couple. So do my husband and I.
So I’m all for women rights, but I’m totally with Shakespeare here – I feel love doesn’t need validation in the form of either partner taking on the other’s surnames; and what surname you take on has no bearing on the balance of powers you share as a couple.
And as for my thoughts on my friend taking on his wife’s surname – Good for him. I personally don’t think it would make me feel any more loved if my husband took on my surname.I also don’t think my correcting ushers, maître d’s, recptionists etc everytime they address me by my husband’s surname would make the world a better place.
Thanks for your thoughts! That’s definitely a very rare thing – the husband taking the wife’s surname. I don’t think the surname changing is even necessary – wife or husband. In so many places around the world, women think it is their duty or responsibility to take on their husband’s surname after marriage – they never actually question that it may not even be needed. Same with many men – they expect their wives to change their surnames after marriage so they don’t question the not changing thing. The so-called feminists who lauded your friend’s decision to change his surname seem to have the meaning of feminism wrong – they’re supposed to be looking at equal rights for men and women and not a lopsided equation.
I’m with you on that – I don’t think at all – even for a moment that if you change your surname, you love your husband/wife more. It has nothing to do with the surname. It all boils down to your own identity. I do not think that all other identities disappear after marriage. It is obviously a choice to change or not change a surname, but in many cases women do not even know it is a choice.
Thanks for dropping by!